“If Millar LITE doesn’t serve beer, why should I stick around?”
“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,” I sang along with my 95-year-old aunt a month before she passed away. That she recalled the words to the song amazed me. She was mostly mute by then, living with dementia. Somehow, musical memories linger.
It wasn’t the only surprise my aunt Marion had for me that day. Her daughter later shared with me a letter Marion had written some twenty years earlier, when her mind was still sharp. My aunt had been a homemaker, a pie-baker and an eternally cheerful soul — but a writer? Not to my knowledge. I was…
When in doubt, they say: Ask Siri. So I did.
Me: Siri, what is the meaning of life?
Siri: To think about questions like this.
Me: Uhh, yeah. So what DO you think?
Siri: Be nice to people and avoid eating fat.
Me: Err, what about the healthy fats? You know, Omega-3s?
She shoots me a photo of a “Mega Tree” — a monster 23-foot-tall LED tree some poor bastard was forced to erect by his Christmas-crazed wife.
I try enunciating more clearly.
Me: What. Is. The. Meaning. Of. Life?
Siri: I KANT answer that. Ha ha!
Me: Skip the…
Host: Welcome, everyone, to today’s meeting on Zoom. Let’s get right down to deciding the most useful self-help motto of all time so we can get back to partying in the Elysian fields. Socrates is off sick. Horace, you have the floor.
Host: Horace? Unmute yourself.
Horace: Sorry, sorry. I was saying I hope we can all get behind Carpe Diem as the best motto so we can get out of here and, ahem, Seize the Day.
Marcus Aurelius: Whoa. I’d say Carpe Diem has had its day. It’s morphed into a McMotto now. Like YOLO. Or Just Do…
OMG. My first Millar LITE post was barely hours old when I saw it. Ev Williams had not only read my “ Welcome” post — he’d HIGHLIGHTED the part where I said, “I’m old.” Ev LIKED that! My old-ness is FINALLY working for me!! hahahaha
I know, I know. You don’t plan on dying anytime soon. But a runaway truck — or a runaway pandemic — might just have other plans for you. Or for me.
While it’s not a fun thought, it does bear some thought. Most of us have left our digital fingerprints and footprints all over the internet. They will certainly outlive us. Will our loved ones know what we’d want tidied up or where to begin?
Facebook just notified me that today is my friend Andrew’s birthday, reminding me to “wish him the best.” Sadly, Andrew passed away in 2019 but…
Tell yourself that all you like. Your reading tastes, at least on my site, tell me a different story.
In 2020, I wrote about poets, philosophers, and kings ( a president-elect being an American-kind of king). Did you care? Enough to click? Not so much. My stats say you’re more taken with murderers, mutts and monsters.
Some 600 unwanted husbands were hurried along to meet their maker thanks to the concoctions of this convicted murderess. Even more disturbing? The number of YOU, dear readers, who clicked through to make this my most-read article of 2020. …
I am speaking to you today — from inside a sweltering boot!! — to correct some egregious #FakeNews.
So far I’ve just got this first verse. Let me know if you’re feeling it:
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
I hate to say it, but you lost me right off. What’s with that lower case “i”? It literally SCREAMS “low self-esteem.” You don’t want to start off sounding like a starving artist who can’t afford to repair his wonky shift key.
My shift key works fine. I was experimenting with a new style of…